Damien B General Life, Leadership

Found the Unexpected… How’d I not expect it?

Happy 237th Birthday Marines

For those who have followed, my transition from being an Active Duty Marine for over 9 years – to becoming a constructive member of society as a civilian – has been quite the life experience in and of itself.  The more time passes, the more it seems that a lot of the transition friction comes from the disbelief that I no longer wear the uniform.  It is so shocking because I never thought I’d feel that way.  However, last night, I got to experience my first Marine Corps Birthday celebration, cake cutting, and honoring of traditions, as a civilian – amongst a group of Brother-Strangers, also known as Marine Veterans.

It was quite the experience, to sit, stand, talk, drink, embrace, listen, share stories, see memories relived through story, and generations of traditions right in front of me.  The group has no “official” affiliation, it simply has a commitment to meeting once a year, to celebrate the Marine Corps Birthday, and started with the traditions of a group of Marines from Woodside, Queens.  Of which, even within the same elementary school, has reared two Congressional Medal of Honor Recipients, Navy Cross, Bronze Stars, and more.  The Woodside neighborhood has more military awards than any zip code in the Nation, or so I was taught last night.  I invite Malcolm Gladwell to add to this neighborhood to his studies as a lost chapter to his book “Outliers”.  This group of Marines has extended its annual celebration to anyone who has felt the brim of a campaign cover on the bridge of their nose.

The event took place at a great, Marine-Veteran owned Italian restaurant in Chelsea, Manhattan. The event coordinated by another Marine Businessman.  There was a Marine Birthday Cake, The reading of John A. Lejeune’s Birthday Message, reading of the Commandant’s Birthday Message, we honored the MIA/POW table, taps was played, and amongst grown men, tears were wiped away.  More stories were shared, connections made, and help offered.  As once, and as always: Marines looking out for the Marine to their right and to their left.

I had only met 2 out of the 20 or so Marines there.  All serving from the Korean War, to just returning from the War on Terror in Afghanistan.  There were two, father-son, Marine-legacies across generations.  I should have never been as surprised as I was, but for a brief period of one evening, I felt at home amongst would be “strangers”.  I should have never been surprised… they were never strangers, they were my brothers.  They were, and forever will be – Marines.

Robert E. O’Malley’s Medal of Honor Citation

Commandant’s Birthday Message 2012

Woodside, Queens – Home of Heroes

Damien B General Life

Let the Good Times Roll!

So it’s been a while!  Needless to say, I’ve had my hands full, adjusting to my new life.  It is easier in so many ways that I didn’t expect, and more difficult in so many ways that I couldn’t have expected.  However, in the last couple of weeks, I have realized that there is one thing that is always under my own control and that I MUST maintain… a positive mental attitude!

I’m making this one quick, so I can’t pull up and cite studies (perhaps I will later in a more in-depth article), but a positive, can-do attitude works wonders in the ability to achieve results.  Or even take it a step back.  People around you enjoy being around you more when you are in a good mood!  Really, when was the last time you looked at the person in the room with the bad-mood and said “Hi Friend, you just made my day so much better and have filled the room with energy!”?  I’m going to guess that has never happened.  It is more likely, that even against your own will, the other person with a negative attitude affected your mood, in a negative way.

When was the last time you saw a colleague walk by with a pep in her step, a smile on her face, and a few minutes later you felt like you no longer needed that second espresso-boosted coffee?  If having a positive attitude doesn’t directly allow you to achieve more, it definitely promotes energy and positive attitudes in those around you.  If those around you have more energy and a positive attitude, then you will be in a more productive and happier environment!

Don’t be the one who brings the crowd down… unfold your arms, share a smile and enjoy good things!

Damien B General Life, Leadership

Because Today Counts

What is the one thing you have given up on changing within yourself?  Really identify the one thing that just hasn’t seemed to be “changeable”….  And make a commitment to change it.  It may be one of the biggest struggles you endure, and it may result in some of the most pitiful failures mounted within yourself.  But once you find the way to change what you, yourself, though couldn’t be changed, about yourself…  then you have proven that change CAN happen, if you really want it to.

Some of us, I included, have come upon things in our own lives that we have neglected to tend to.  Some things that need change are easier left to be, than they are to shake things up.  I bring this up because ignoring small things, can easily lead down a slippery slope to the point of inability to affect things that absolutely need change… such as “bad” habits, learned behaviors – and addictions.

This all came to mind when I was on the train today, 25 June 2012, and I saw the same man, for a second time, pitching the same plea for food and money.  He pleads to the mercy and good nature of those on the subway to believe that he is in a place that is of no fault of his own, and that he only needs help for the moment.  I was annoyed the first time I saw him a few weeks ago.  But today, I was angered.

I am not an expert, but I have seen my fair share of life… this man is not just homeless by random acts of economy.  He is homeless because his drug addiction, I’m near certain is meth, has become his priority in life.  His own health, life, or the lives of those who love him, care about him, do know him now or have loved him, mean nothing in comparison to his next high.  He has lost the ability to change the “unchangeable”.  Yet, he still pleads to the mercy and good nature of random strangers to help him… even though he isn’t capable of taking the most important steps to help himself.

I’ll be honest, at this point… I have complete disregard for someone like him to find help for the sake of his own self.  But I do have sympathy for those that care about him.  I care to see him find help, not as much to stop his own pain, but to stop the pain of those that have lost him.  Because let’s be honest, to his family, and friends… he is all but gone.

This strikes a personal cord with me.  And mentioning it may not excite members of my family.  My own father has been diagnosed with paranoid-schizophrenia.  But I have good reason to believe, his rapid and sharp decline in health, starting about 16 years ago was a product of drug use.  I am old enough to remember how amazing he was, how much he meant to me, and how I will always compare my abilities as a father to his… or at least what I remember from the age of 6 (which was the last time I ever lived with him).  I saw him again when I was 9, for a weekend visit.  Then didn’t see him again until I was 14 for Thanksgiving… by then he wasn’t the same person, and was on medication for the schizophrenia.

I have not seen him in the 14 years since, during which time I’ve only had a handful of phone calls.  He doesn’t believe I am actually alive.  He has never met his grand-children.  He doesn’t know that the sacrifices he made, have made such a life-long impact on me, for the better… all instilled by the time I was 6. He doesn’t know how many times I have needed him or how many times I will hope to be as good of a father as I remember him to be.   And now I have no way of ensuring he knows it.

The lifestyle lived and choices my father made 20-25 years ago, were never lived or made with the intent of today’s outcome.  My father never knew  he was on nor intended on traveling  a slippery slope to land himself in the place he is now… nor did the man on the train that needs help from others that he can’t get for himself.

In 25 years, how do you want your impact remembered?  …because – Today counts.

Damien B General Life, Skill Building

Part 2 – Courage

Part 2 – Courage

It has been a while since my last article.  For that I admit my faults in being delayed.  I will do my best to excuse myself, being that I have been very much consumed in the transition of going from military professional, to business professional.  I’ve stepped into a completely new world, and have so much to learn.

That being said, I’d like to start off with today’s article with an introduction.  I call it “Part 2 – Courage” even though if you scour the archives, I have never written a “Part 1”.  Or maybe I have…

“Honor, Courage & Commitment” is uttered as a motto for the Marine Corps, the Navy, and various versions have been used through-out the world.  My article, Do What You’re ‘posed To Do, was really about commitment.  This article, less ambiguously, will be about “courage”.  At some point, I will finish the 3 part series with “Honor”.

I’ve heard many meanings and definitions of “courage”: Moral Courage, physical courage, mental and emotional courage.  I’ve heard it described as, “Doing the right thing when nobody is looking”; “doing the right thing just because it is the right thing”; “persevering in the face of adversity and fear”; “facing your fears” and “not just not being afraid, but admitting you ARE afraid, and facing the challenge regardless”.

I can say, I feel like I’ve come across a time in my life where I have faced a test of my own courage.  I couldn’t tell you what definition it falls under, but I will admit it has, is and will continue to be tested.  Each day presents itself with new challenges.  However, the challenges are only new to me… the same hurdles to many others around me… aren’t really hurdles at all.  I guess you could say recently I have been facing the challenges of being a rookie – in a sport I’ve never played.  It is extremely shocking because I have gone from a place where I was nearly masterful at my trade, and often looked to for advise, mentorship, guidance and wisdom in my trade.  Now, I feel so very lacking in all of the fore-mentioned departments.

Going from one end to the other so drastically has created one of the biggest challenges I think I might have faced yet.  Being able to understand and retain my self-worth, while not inversely over-inflating my ego and feeling like I am “too good” for anything is difficult.  It is tough.  I can’t say what else it would be, other than courage that I face the new challenges.  There seems to be a struggle between self-belief and accepting/understanding of reality.  To what extent do I chase the dream and high-expectations that I have set? Am I on the right path to find them?  Or was it all just a lie?

It is here.  In this place —  I find a major test of courage.  Being able to hold on to a dream, not just dream but hold the conviction, swallow the pride, and continue to persevere to obtain the “dream” and make it reality.  Did I step onto the right path?  I don’t know – but if I didn’t, perhaps I will build one.

Damien B General Life, Skill Building

Connectors

Mavens, Connectors and The Salesmen….  All credit due to Malcolm Gladwell and his amazing book, The Tipping Point.

I’m out to eat at restaurant A, and notice a server/bartender from restaurant B (also located nearby).  Not in uniform, she knew nearly half of the customers at restaurant A.  They didn’t just recognize her, she knew them and their stories.  And they knew hers… It was then, I saw it… She was, or rather is, a connector!

I began to notice this, and got excited that I was able to recognize it. But then I quickly thought to observe her interactions with the customers.  I wanted to further see if she was popular as just a moderately attractive “waitress” or if my snap assessment of her connector-hood, was correct.

I think her being attractive is not really a factor… When she talked with all who she knew, she listened, acknowledged, and recognized all her “fans” individually.  I was thinking… “sure, everyone talks to a bartender.. But, she wasn’t even in the place she worked.  She was at a competitor’s location!  And I don’t recall such a social, and known beyond, “I recognize you from B” waitress, server, or bartender.

So, is the natural ability to communicate with people what is so instinctive to those we call connectors? Is that the hiding-in-plain-sight secret of connectors?

Posted from my Droid RAZR

Damien B General Life, Skill Building

Keeping Productive, Not Busy

As I prepare for my transition from active duty, after 9 years, into the civilian and corporate world I have been doing my best to keep busy.  At times I find myself frustrated; frustrated in a way that I don’t feel like I am creating value… and I think I know why.

Being “busy” is not necessarily the opposite of being lazy…or even inactive.  Let’s be honest, who really likes to be “busy”?  Nobody likes to do “busy work”. To be completely honest, I absolutely abhor “busy work”.  I hate to do it, and I refuse to assign it.  In the opposite, I LOVE being productive!  The two are clearly different.  Recognizing that will increase the value we find in the task we set for ourselves.  Not because the task or activity magically becomes more valuable, but because our awareness allows us to consciously task ourselves with productive activities, not busy work.

Busy all too often becomes, doing things that consume our resources (mental, physical and spiritual) and takes away from doing what we need to get done — takes away from creating value.

Productive is actively seeking to and getting the most accomplished while bringing us the most value from the amount of resources we use to accomplish the tasks.

With that, don’t expect to find me “keeping busy” — I’ll be keeping productive!

How do you keep productive?

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Damien B General Life, Leadership

It’s The Will to Prepare to Win That Matters

image

I mentioned a quote in my article, “A Brief Case on Synergy… It IS About Practice.”  Well here it is, accurately represented.

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Damien B General Life

Change the paradigm of “Bad Influence”

I’m currently reading Stephen Covey’s, The Third Alternative, and I have been reminded of a third alternative I explained to my own parents when I was in middle school.  It is a bit ego-boosting to see Mr. Covey advocates the same, or similar, ideas.

Growing up, I was constantly warned about, “bad influences”. I was told to stay away from and not be, well, influenced by them.  As any other child, adolescent, pre-teen, and many teenagers would do, I heard it, expected not to need the advice (because I was smarter than that) and didn’t question it.  But sometime in middle school, 7th grade or so, I got a crazy idea… What if I became a GOOD influence on those who were otherwise considered “bad influences”?  What if, my influence was stronger than theirs?

It was!  I had made good friends, best friends even, with a peer I will refer to as Don. Don had a reputation at our middle school as a typical bad-ass.  Teachers couldn’t get him to perform, he was quick to fight if provoked, and was put on a special monitoring program for academics and discipline.  I was sort of a nerd.  But we made friends.  I would act out on occasion based on my desire to be as cool as him, but nothing of any concern.  On the other hand, for our assigned reading in class, I convinced the teacher to allow Don and I to sit in the hall and read aloud to each other.  At first he didn’t seem to comfortable reading in front of me.  However, it didn’t take long before Don was reading on his own, and quite well, to include great comprehension.  We continued to build a great friendship.  By the end of that school year, he was off the monitoring program, and ON the honor roll.  He was always smart with incredible drive and determination. He could live up to whatever title he was given.  I like to think I gave him a different title to live up to, and he did so amazingly…and in contrast to the title the teachers and possibly some of his other friends gave him.

I had another friend, “Mark”, that was notorious for doing things that weren’t the smartest, but more the sort of activity described as “acting out”.  On one occasion, he stole two pagers/beepers from a house a mutual friend was baby sitting at.  A couple other friends and I wanted to see Mark do better, and our goal was to convince him it was more cool to just “do what you are supposed to do”.  We convinced him that we would accompany him to return the pagers to the house (the owners aware they were missing) in an anonymous envelope with an apology letter.  As we turned the corner to the house, we saw a group of parents in front of it… They were expecting our friend Mark – to confront him.  They did not know we had convinced him to take the pagers back.  They saw us and ran at us.  We did what any scared middle school kids would do – turned and ran.  We made it 2 blocks and into the park before the first parent made it to the corned they saw us on.  They caught us, and chaos ensued.  My other friend Kent had the pagers, and he started taking accusations.  Mark was tackled and fighting with one of the parents. The cops were on the way… And we were all trying to get out the story of how we were trying to return the pagers.  We also had to explain how we planned on being a good influence on our friend Mark…much to the dismay and disbelief of the group of parents and police officers.

The event landed Mark on house arrest.  We kept to our guns, and after pleading with my own parents and convincing them of our plan to be a good influence on Mark, we were allowed to visit him.  His Probation Officer of all people was a fan of our plan.  Mark did well after, and as long as we were around, he enjoyed having good influence and people who believed in him, around him.  I can’t tell you were he is now, but all of us have gone or own ways.

There will always be “bad influences”… I ask that we all take a moment to realize those bad influences are more often than not, great opportunities waiting to be unlocked.  Don’t just isolate the “bad” but do something about it.  Sometimes we all need a nudge and a nod when being reminded of – doing what we are supposed to do.

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Damien B General Life

It’s Not About You!

I want to take a deeper look in the mirror this morning.

Take a Deeper Look
A deeper look in the mirror

Being as it has been a bit longer than I planned since my last post, I wanted to bring a little more “to the fight” this time to show I utilized my additional prep-time accordingly.  In a recent binge of reading I have been doing, mostly on Marketing and Leadership, I have decided to mix things up with a bit of philosophy.  My choice of poison was Michel Foucault’s, The Use of Pleasure, Volume 2: The History of Sexuality.  In reading, I couldn’t help but make a comparison of the aggregate, third and fourth century lifestyles in Greek Theology, Christianity and Paganism to that of modern day or “today’s” societies.  Something stuck out to me…  Of all the issues that required moral guidance, all three religious structures were formed around a central theme:  moral code, religious guidance and general rule would ensure the individual was aware that his or her actions would be judged and moral or immoral based on the impact or duty paid to the city, or society.  Today, it seems the modernized world has reversed that ideology.  Today, it seems the majority of individuals are more concerned with what society can do for the individual.

Where is MY tax check?  What about MY unemployment?  What are THEY doing for ME?  I don’t owe THEM anything!  THEY cut off OUR funding.  It’s not MY responsibility.  I can go on, and I have muttered many of the same phrases.  I feel like we, as a society, truly have shifted our focus to what we as individuals can get from society, and have turned off or greatly reduced our concern for our own impact and input to society.  But is there a chance that if we looked a bit more outward, that focusing on our society before ourselves could create a better lives for ourselves AND those around us in the process?  In Sarano Kelley’s book, The Game: Win Your Life in 90 Days, there is an entire chapter referring to charity.  But more importantly, Kelley often refers to the mindset of being focused on how we can help others, and argues an outward focus away from one’s individual needs often returns greater yield for the individual in the long run.  I’d have to say I agree.  Doing something that brings me personal satisfaction may make me happy until that stimulant is removed.  But I can find true and lasting joy knowing I’ve done something to enable someone else to find their own happiness.

I’d like to place a small section from “The Use of Pleasure” that I found impactful to me, where Foucault recalls Plato’s explanation of “the craftsman”:

“…On the other hand, the man who ought to lead others was one who had to be completely in command of himself: both because, given his position and the power he wielded, it would be easy for him to satisfy all his desires, and hence to give way to them, but also because disorderly behavior on his part would have its effects on everyone and in the collective life of the city.  In order not to be excessive, not to do violence, in order to avoid the trap of tyrannical authority (over others) coupled with a soul tyrannized by desires, the exercise of political power required, as its own principle of internal regulation, power of oneself…that is, [moderation] was a virtue that qualified a man to exercise his mastery over others. The most kingly man was a king of himself.”(Foucault 1985, 80-81).

I believe the passage speaks for itself. I would like to point out that as many military leaders have been taught, or rather referenced to: With great power comes great responsibility.  All of us are in positions of power in different ways – some more than others.  I am not saying we all should venture into debt, or create debt in random acts of charity as denoted by financial “charity”.  Rather, I believe most of us stand to gain a greater collection of people we interact with and a more joy-filled life if we just keep a greater awareness of our impact on others – on society.  Just a greater awareness of our impact on others will adjust simple actions that add to the better of the whole.

Damien B General Life

Do What You’re ‘posed To Do!

Just do what you’re supposed to do.  It sounds simple enough to start with, right?  Well, I’ve never accepted anything for face value, nor do I think anybody should.  And getting beyond face value, if you haven’t already, will tell you that just doing what you are supposed to do isn’t always easy nor very clear.  There are plenty of moral structures, ethical guidelines, and different belief systems that at any given point can be conflicting.  At any given time there are legal, cultural, social, religious, or business morals and ethics to consider, and various ways in which to view each one.  Is it ever ok to kill a baby? The Inuit may convince you that perhaps it is on occasion.  What is discipline, spanking, grounding?  What is exactly acting in the best interest of those you lead?  I don’t want this to become a dissertation on the morality of ethics, rather I feel I can be more useful by hitting some wave caps that will apply to a more general audience in a more suiting fashion.

I wouldn’t say I have read a lot, but maybe more than average, on ethics.  Spending time in the Marine Corps has also exposed me to additional, moral & ethical dilemma training.  With all of, or the little, that I have read, I have decided:  Just do what you are supposed to do.  I am not saying I am the perfect practitioner, but I at least have a goal to be as perfect to upholding my mantra as possible.  Choosing the “right” ethical structure is too hard.  BUT, it is much easier to identify your commitments.  If your job has certain expectations, regulations, or even just standards you have agreed to take on, they would count as a commitment.  Are you married? Whatever agreements you have made within your marriage would count as commitments.  Are you a volunteer coach? The duties of being a coach you volunteered to be are commitments, as are the expectations of the parents whose children they have entrusted you with.  I could go on, but I think we all can get a good general idea of what I will now refer to as a “commitment”.

Doing what you are supposed to do is all about internal integrity and alignment.  Much similar to the teachings of Charles Lawrence Allen, in his book “Why Good People Make Bad Choices” alignment is about deciding, FOR YOURSELF what you feel is right in your circumstances, and proving it through your actions.  If you have a commitment to someone or something, generally, the “right thing” is the choice that best honors that commitment (which won’t be the same answer for everyone).  If you made a commitment as part of your marriage to not drink, then when presented with the scenario, do what you are supposed to do, and refuse the drink.  Sleeping with someone other than your spouse might be OK, if your commitments align for you and your spouse (know where you both stand together, in agreement, what your marriage does and doesn’t mean, where your religious values are, etc).   You are driving over the speed limit? Well, if you are bringing your pregnant and in labor wife to the hospital, you are probably in alignment being as you are still meeting the intent of the traffic laws (Being as they are able to be adjusted in emergency situations).

If you are internally aligned, you are likely doing the right thing.  If you have to justify something, it usually means you are aligned with some or most commitments, but not all.  In that case, you are NOT doing what you are supposed to do.  If you are still not sure, sit down and make a list of all your commitments (by my definition, not by Webster’s).  Then make sure if there are people on the other ends of those commitments, that whatever you deem to be “right” or in with keeping the commitment, the party on the other end is in full agreement (this will also help you greatly in being more accurate in what you can expect from others, and what others should be able to expect from you).  So, the mantra sounds simple, applies differently to each person if you get down to specifics, but stays the same in principal.  Just do what you are supposed to do.

Added Note:  I will personally admit that at times, you will have urges or be greatly tempted to do whatever you are NOT supposed to do.  It happens, and, it’s part of nature.  However, I can also admit, that making the decision to do what you are supposed to do, and retaining your internal alignment will develop a sense of internal integrity that will pay off much more than the source of your temptations.

As Always, Thank you for reading!  Your comments are always welcomed!